I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
