The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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