And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
