WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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