ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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