Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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