Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
