Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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