ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
