you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
