I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just pee around me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize