All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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