Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
