sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he quoted the bible to break up with me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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