Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
