Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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