You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
