I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
