i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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