I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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