Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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