I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
