If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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