I haven't been this sober since birth.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
