In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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