FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
