I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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