Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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