Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
