i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
