If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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