There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
