What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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