i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
