So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
