I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
