I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
