I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize