I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
