Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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