I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
