There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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