I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
