I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
