Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
