But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
