How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
