i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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