I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize