Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Four minutes until I can fart!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
