I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
