Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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