in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
