How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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