Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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