i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
