Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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