i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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