This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
