I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
