I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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