Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
