Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
