im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize