Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
