i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
