My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
