oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
