I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
