just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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